"My favorite road trip game was 'Sweet and Sour'. We'd wave at drivers on the road and, if they waved back, we'd have to eat an entire lemon."
"If I have some extra time, I'll hand wash my delicates in the sink. But sometimes I can't squeeze it all in during my shift at the restaurant."
"I'm thirty-eight and I still give my pillow the People's Elbow when I hop into bed. My wife loves it."
"I'm not a banana."
"My sister and I once paddle boarded up the Hudson to the very top of the island of Manhattan. When we got there, we looked at each other and laughed. It was a great sense of accomplishment and a very special moment between us as siblings. The rest of my family, who were also paddle boarding, we're kind of pissed that we just left the group like that without telling anyone. I think we both regret doing it."
"I love baseball. The sun bouncing off of the outfield grass. The wet green stains you get on your knees when you dive for a ball. The smell of the fresh cut grass. Actually, I think I just love grass."
"You know how yawning is contagious? The same thing happens to me when I see people running."
"I was kicked out of camp one summer for throwing a SoBe bottle into a bonfire. They must have been allergic to cool shit, I guess."
"I'm not a banana, my man."
"As far as I'm concerned, it's not worth going into if you can't rope swing into it."
"You show me two sturdy elms and I'll show you a slackline set that will blow your fragile boyish mind."
"3...2...1...Happy New Year!"
"Every Saturday morning, my husband and I get lattes at the local coffee shop and have a peaceful stroll through the neighborhood. Then we usually parkour all the way back to the apartment."
"I teach kids karate and self-defense lessons. I emphasize that their training should only be put to use as a last resort. Or if they are trying to impress their friends."
"I like the Air Bud movie when he becomes an architect and has an affair with his office manager."
"I opened up our hammock that we had in storage from last summer and found a wasps' nest. Let's just say it wasn't my favorite nap but I got in a 'Z' or two."
"My first boyfriend in high school was the quiet, rebellious type. He wore a leather jacket with safety pins in it. He'd smoke cigarettes in the parking lot. He'd take me up into the hills on his motorcycle and we'd sit and look out over downtown Los Angeles while we both sang. It was very meaningful."
"Every morning I down an ounce of apple cider vinegar, throw back some fish oil pills, eat some chia seed pudding, and then hit the gym for an hour. Yeah, you're standing in front of a god. Your god."
"How am I? I woke up this morning to my son calling me a 'cuck.' He's eight years old."
"Whales are cool because they are some of the biggest things and they eat some of the smallest things and sometimes jump over boys punching in the air. Must be awesome."
"I tried shadow boxing last night. I got my ass kicked."
"Sounds weird, that's for sure, but those coin-operated vibrating beds saved my marriage and probably my life."
"I ran out of sunscreen so I used some fondant I found in the fridge. Now it's time for me to layout on the first patch of grass I see."
"Let's just say I recently moved to Margaritaville and momma likey!"
"We were adrift at sea for days. No food. No shelter. Then, a Disney cruise ship came up alongside us. We couldn't believe it. All the mascots grouped along the railing, waving us over. We were grateful but ultimately we thought it was all a bit too silly and decided not to board."
"I've been playing Minecraft for about three months and I'm about halfway done building a Dave & Buster's."
"I’m going to Hawaii, baby!”
"After our date, he took me to this really great ice cream place. I ordered my cone and then he asked the person at the counter, 'What kind of sorbets do you have?' I left immediately."