"I literally walked into the barbershop and told the barber to give me 'The Tintin.'"
"My deep love for all people knows no boundaries. Yeah, you guessed it. Sorry bro, but I love you."
"Last weekend while I was away on business, I flipped on our living room Nest cam and caught our babysitter and my son suckin' down ice cold Monsters and watching The Carbonaro Effect. I was so jelly."
"My landlord doesn't allow animals in the apartment. So I said to her, 'Well then how come I can stay here?' We've been married ever since."
"As a growing young man, I wore a lot of hand-me-downs, which I totally get. The only thing that confused me was how my parents came across so many sailor outfits."
"It's wild to think that the same trees that line St. Marks are the same ones that The Ramones and Blondie and countless other icons used to walk by. And now I walk by them too when I'm on my way to K-Mart."
"I kind of had a Moses-like experience when I was a baby. Except, I didn't float down the Nile in a basket. I was put in some guy's backpack at a String Cheese Incident concert."
"I've sacrificed many personal relationships trying to keep this tree safe."
"My high school superlative was 'Most Likely To Start A Wave At A Basketball Game.' Everyday I try to live up to that."
"I read to my kids every night before bed. Mostly just Kanye tweets."
"Whenever I get lonely at night, I look out at the moon and know that, somewhere out there, there's someone else looking at that same moon that's smokin' hot."
"I 3D printed a Zune for my niece. She's only four so it should be good."
"I have about five solid daydreams that I rotate throughout the week. Almost all of them end with me dunking and shattering the backboard glass."
"Rockstars must have so much energy, you know? They party every night with drugs and alcohol, rehearse and tour constantly, just non-stop motion. Me? I can't go to my kids graduation without having to lie down in the aisle for twenty minutes."
"Every night, before I got to sleepy-snuggy, I take a single scoop of icy creamy yum yum and say 'bye-bye' then I flush it down the toilet."
"When I'm working, I don't 'drink water' or 'hydrate'. I slake my thirst like my throat was a nasty dragon."
"After learning how intelligent octopuses are, it's become really difficult for me to keep eating them at the aquarium."
"During the winter, I'm a ski pro. During the summer, I'm a lifeguard. During the fall, I sell pumpkins. During the spring, I manage a skate park for former priests."
"Date night with my husband usually involves cocktails and dinner at a fusion restaurant, a movie, and then a little Ace of Cakes on in the background while we smash."
"I like to listen to podcasts when I run. Recently, I've been catching up on episodes of SciSounds. It's just two guys that interview people in niche fields of study and say 'fascinating' a bunch. It's way different than anything else that's out there."
"I know there's some secret way of changing in the locker room where no one sees your privates but I have no idea how to do it. Right now, when I'm getting changed, I'll just scream and slam my body against the lockers until everyone leaves."
"You know the Seinfeld where George sleeps under his desk? I've done that too. Except it was a podium and it was during a meeting at the U.N."
"You know how the Fonz would knock his fist against a vending machine and a soda comes out? I'm like that, except with walls and cockroaches."
"I once tried to do the worm in college and bruised my pelvis when I slammed the floor with my belt-buckle. The professor and everyone else in the classroom just looked at me until I left."
"If I'm having trouble sleeping, I'll try to close my eyes and take some deep breaths and peer pressure my subconscious into a cool dream."
"When I was at school, I'd try to impress everybody by doing the monkey bars. I'd skip two at a time. I couldn't help it. I was just a buff kid."
"An actor always knows how to find their light."
"When I see a full moon, I don't turn into a werewolf so much as I turn into the big dog from Big Dog Sportswear. You know, the one that says tough guy things?"