"I recently went to the Hollywood Walk of Fame and found out that I have the same size hands as Mel Gibson. It's become one of my greatest sources of strength."
“Dude, easy with the flash! I just got LASIK."
“Having a sense of privacy is important to me, especially nowadays. With everyone's info online and with all of these hacks and everything, I'm trying to get off the grid more. No more social media or any of that. It's gotten to the point where I'm thinking of getting rid of my email. I feel like if anything really important happens or if someone really needs to reach me, I trust that they'll be able to get a hold of me. But for now, I'll just exist as me, Martin Woodhouse, living at three four six Grace Street, New York, New York, zip code one zero zero one eight."
“I have a stand at the Union Square farmer's market and we've been pretty proud of our produce this past summer. I dare you to find a sweeter fucking peach."
"Whenever I see a recipe that asks you to cook onions until they 'sweat', I want to throw up."
"We've been trying to park this bad boy for about a half hour or so. It's not easy parallel parking in the city. It's not easy driving in the city. After driving around all day today, I think its safe to say neither of us want to get our driver's license."
"If I have to reconcile another bogus spreadsheet from corporate, I'm going to microwave fish in the office kitchen. I don't give a fuck!"
"My husband and I have always been supportive of our son. But, at the same time, we're kind of dreading the fact that we're probably going to have to bail him out if he doesn't meet the goal on his Kickstarter. Sure, he's our boy and we're proud of him, but we don't want to have to pledge eighteen hundred dollars so he can make some shitty web-series about dating a swing set in Brooklyn or whatever the hell it is."
"My buddies and I went duck hunting over the weekend. We were having a great time until my friend Bryant mentioned that mallards mate for life. That kind of put a damper on everything."
"Bubble tea fucking sucks. Sure, it tastes great and all that but if you drink it too fast all the ice sinks down and covers up the tapioca balls so you can't eat them. Do you know what I'm talking about? Please tell me you know where I'm coming from on this."
"If my son decides he wants to smoke, that's fine by me. Only rule is that he has to do it in the house. From a six foot tall hookah. And he has to share it with his brother and sisters and my wife and I. If he still wants to do it, then that's his choice."
"I was getting changed one morning and decided to pick up my cat while I was still completely naked. I don't know why but it felt wrong."
"At work, I accidentally called my boss, 'Mom'. I'm taking my lunch break now and might not go back."
"My friend group loves high fiber diets."
“I usually eat breakfast at home but didn't have time today. It's been a pretty rough morning. Last night I got wasted at a Train concert."
“Last summer, I tried proposing to my girlfriend via a Ouija board. I made it so we both spelled out, "Will you marry me, Teresa?" but now she thinks that a ghost is in love with her. Just the other night, she said she's having second thoughts about our relationship. It fucking sucks dude."
“My great grandfather immigrated through Ellis Island. Apparently he got into a tiff with one of the document workers, which explains why his last name was changed from 'Kowalski' to 'Nerdcake'. That's been our family name ever since."
"I got my OB/GYN a 'Female Body Inspector' t-shirt for her birthday. I haven't heard back from her about it but she's my aunt so I'll see her at Christmas."
"I helped chaperone a group of high school students during their trip to Italy over spring break. I think it was a really great opportunity for them to get out of the country and get to know another culture. And the trip went off without a hitch, except for the two kids I caught making out in the Catacombs. They were pretty deep into it too. I literally had to pry them a part."
"Not a nanner, bruh, but I see where you got mixed up."
"Sure, it's important to have postage and all that. But if it's not sealed with a kiss, it's not going on the truck."
"When I played basketball in middle school, we had this play where I'd get down on all fours and bark like a dog to distract the other team. It was pretty successful and we'd usually get a bucket out of it. However, it was hard for me to snap out of it once I started playing 'the dog' so I'd often find myself playing out the rest of the quarter barking and scrambling on the floor. It was a little humiliating, sure, but we won a lot. We had to stop doing it eventually though after I bit one of the refs."
"The other night, my girlfriend expressed to me that she wanted to try something 'kinky'. Little did I know that that meant 'sliding an ice cube' into my 'derriere' while I was 'making dinner'. But hey, we're young."
"After being a student of martial arts for about six years, I've reached the level where I can start fucking around with that cool staff-spear thing."
"First thing I do when I go to a restaurant is order a daiquiri. If they don't have it, I bolt. They don't deserve my business and they don't deserve me."
"Excusez-moi! Bonjour, Je suis très perdu et il me semble avoir cassé ma jambe. Je ne parle pas beaucoup l'anglais, je suis ici en vacances. Pouvez-vous m'aider? S'il vous plaît? Pourquoi êtes-vous juste à me regarder? Ne pas prendre ma photo. Est-ce que vous marchez loin? Oh mon Dieu! C'est incroyable."
"I like that The National are big Deadheads. I haven't listened to much of their stuff but I think its cool that they're fans."
"There are times where, when I'm feeling down and need a boost, I'll open up my garage and look at the TruckNutz on the back of my pick-up. Get's me every time."